Thanks to CubeSlacker - http://www.cubeslacker.com/content/view/77/36/

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed.  The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is.  All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why?  Are you a lawyer?”
He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

Yesterday, Sarah Palin received an offer to pose nude for 1 million dollars in Playboy magazine. Michelle Obama got the same offer from National Geographic.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.  It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.  Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
All the ones who can run, jump, or swim have already crossed the border.

Thanks to Reddit - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/?sort=top

A Rabbi and a Priest are walking down the street when they see a 7 year old boy come out of a candy store.

The Priest says "Hey, you wanna go screw that kid with me?"

to which the Rabbi replies "Out of what?"

Thanks to Civilization Fanatics' Forums - http://forums.civfanatics.com/archive/index.php/t-38553.html

Two hydrogen atoms were talking in a bar...
 
H1: I think I've lost an electron.
H2: No way, are you sure?
H1: I'm positive!!

Thanks to Civilization Fanatics' Forums - http://forums.civfanatics.com/archive/index.php/t-38553.html

Did you know... 31 oct = 25 dec?

Thanks to Civilization Fanatics' Forums - http://forums.civfanatics.com/archive/index.php/t-38553.html

Why is 1 the sluttiest number?  It goes into everything.

Thanks to Digg - http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Awesome_Math_Jokes

A doctor, pastor, and engineer were playing golf one day, and they noticed the group in front of them were having a hard time, stumbling around, appearing not to know what they were doing. After summoning the owner of the club, he explained the story... the club house caught on fire one night, and three firemen risked their lives to save everyone inside, but were left blind as a result. Out of gratitude, they were offered permanent membership in the club.
 
The pastor said, "I'll pray for these three men everyday, that a miracle will happen and they will receive their sight".
The doctor said, "I'll research a good specialist and pay personally for them to visit"
The engineer said, "Why don't you let them play at night?"

Thanks to Digg - http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Awesome_Math_Jokes

Two bytes meet one morning going into work, the one says to the other "You're not looking too well, is something wrong?" The other says, "Yeah, I've got a parity problem". The first replied "I thought so, you looked a bit off."

Thanks to Digg - http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Awesome_Math_Jokes

Mathematic proof that Women are evil
first, we state that women require time and money:
Women = time * money
...and as we all know, "time is money":
Time = Money
...and therefore:
Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2
...and because "Money is the root of all evil":
Money = sqrt(evil)
...therefore:
Women = (sqrt[evil])^2
...and we are forced to conclude that:
Women = Evil

Thanks to Digg - http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Awesome_Math_Jokes

Premise I: God is love.
Premise II: Love is blind.
Premise III: Stevie Wonder is blind.
Conclusion: Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God.

Thanks to Digg - http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Awesome_Math_Jokes

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "you mean that at least one Scottish sheep is black."
"No," says the mathematician, "all we can say is that there is at least half of a black sheep in Scotland."

Thanks to SU Mathematics - http://mathematics.group.stumbleupon.com/forum/32011/20/

The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way.

 
Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What is the total distance the fly has flown?

 
The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. That's all there is to it.

 
When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately replied, "150 miles."
"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to sum the infinite series."
"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how I did it!"

Proceed with caution on this one...

Thanks to Erich's Place - http://www2.stetson.edu/~efriedma/mathhumor.html

A Math Romance
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.

Thanks to SU Mathematics - http://mathematics.group.stumbleupon.com/forum/32011/

Okay, so there's a physicist and a mathematician in a room. Suddenly and inexplicably a fire starts. The physicist immediately grabs a bucket, fills it with water, and puts out the fire. The next day the same two people are in the same room and suddenly and inexplicably another fire starts. The mathematician immediately grabs the bucket and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.

Thanks to All Too Flat - http://www.alltooflat.com/funny/jokes/jokes.php?viewj=20

e^x and a constant
e^x and a constant are walking down the street. They turn into a dark alley, and a derivative operator jumps out of the shadows and blocks their path.
"Oh no," says the constant, "He's going to turn me into nothing!"
"It's okay," says e^x, "I'm e^x and I'm not afraid of derivative operators. They can't harm me."
So, e^x walks down the alley and greets the derivative operator, "Hi, I'm e^x."
And the derivative operator replies, "Hi, I'm d/dy."

Thanks to The komplex plane - http://komplexify.com/math/humor_blue/TheTwoNuns.html

The two nuns
There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. But the man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
 
So the pair split up, with Sister Mathematical heading towards the convent and Sister Logical running away from it. Making a quick decision, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. But a few short minutes later, Sister Logical arrives.
 
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.....

Thanks to The komplex plane - http://komplexify.com/math/humor_blue/OutOfTheBox.html

Outside the box
Mrs. Jones, the math teacher, asks little Jimmy, "If there were 5 birds sitting on a phone line and you shot and killed one, how many would be left?"
Jimmy answers "None."
Mrs. Jones shakes her head. "No," she explains, "if there were 5 birds and you shot one, then 5 take away 1 leaves 4 birds left."
Jimmy shakes his head and replies, "No. If I shot and killed one of the birds, the others would fly away, 'cause they'd see how good a shot I was."
Mrs. Jones smiles and says "Good point. I like the way you think.:
Jimmy looks up and says "Now I have a question for you. Three woman are eating ice cream, and one is licking it, one is sucking it, and one is biting it. Which one is married?"
Mrs. Jones thinks for a bit and says, "Ummmmm..., the one biting it?"
Jimmy smiles and says, "No, the one with the wedding band on. But I like the way you think."

Thanks to The komplex plane - http://komplexify.com/math/humor_blue/FunctionalRelationship.html

Functional relationship

If only I could get to the derivative of you,
To navigate your slope just like I used to do,
Your sine curve so smooth, so well elevated,
Just waiting for me to come and make it integrated.
Remember how during our second differentiation,
I'd derivate and agitate until I'd reach acceleration?
My little pet parabola whom I so much adore,
Why can't we have a functional relationship once more?

Thanks to The komplex plane - http://komplexify.com/math/humor_blue/Division.html

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband.
 
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife.